CHAPTER 6

Train Tracks

— Josh —

Early the next morning, I nursed a hangover from hell with another beer and went for a walk. The sun was coming up. I barely slept.

What the fuck was wrong with me? I was worthless. Pathetic. A bad person.

Everyone would reject me now. Everyone would leave. That’s what they did. That’s what they always did.

I made my way to a church in the neighborhood and tried the door. Locked. Well, duh! No one was ever there when I needed them. Not even God.

I slumped onto the steps, pulled a can of Coors Light from my coat sleeve, and checked my phone. There was a text from Sadie: Hey. Just making sure you’re okay. 

Why would she care? She shouldn’t. I shoved the phone back in my pocket. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I wanted to disappear.

I couldn’t fucking do it anymore. I didn’t wanna do it anymore.

That’s when I started crying so hard, I couldn’t even breathe. But instead of offing myself—I went home, threw up three times then downed another can. 

By the time Joe walked into the living room, I was in a drunk tunnel of my own sick defeat. “Shit, Josh. You’re starting to look like your dad.”

I was too drunk to care so I laughed.

He watched me carefully. “You good, man?”

I shook my head. “I’m gonna take a bus to the train station.”

“Yeah? Where you going?” He didn’t get it.

“I’m gonna walk on the tracks.” I paused for emphasis. “And wait for a train.”

Like I said, I was done.