Back in the fall—my therapist told me that after two years of working with her on my borderline personality disorder (BPD) symptoms and childhood trauma, I’d made enough progress in therapy to begin decreasing services. We went from weekly sessions to bi-weekly sessions. Then we did monthly check-ins. Now, seven months later, I’m on my own.
I was nervous at first to wean off therapy. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to hold myself accountable. I was worried my BPD would get worse. I was worried my marriage with Brian would fall apart and my son Bobby would be scarred.
For the most part, since therapy’s ended—I’ve been doing okay. Sometimes I feel strong, confident and ready to face whatever’s thrown at me. Sometimes there’s a small flicker of hope inside me that BPD will eventually be a thing of the past.
But then it comes back with a vengeance. And I quickly crumble into a raging, crying or sulking shell of a woman.
Trigger Warning: Suicide, perceived abandonment, hopelessness, negative self-talk, rejection, forever alone, self-sabotage. Read at your own discretion.
Disclaimer: I’m not a mental health professional. My experience with borderline personality disorder, triggers or symptoms do not necessarily reflect another person with BPD’s experience, triggers or symptoms.
If you’re new to BPD Beautiful, I’m Audrey Harper and I have borderline personality disorder (“BPD”). This is my Emotional Wellness and BPD Blog where I document my BPD recovery. I’m publishing this post in hopes to help loved ones and caregivers understand BPD and to spread BPD awareness. People with BPD are often labelled as dramatic, attention seeking or crazy. While it may look that way from the outside sometimes, what’s going on inside is A LOT more complex. What people with BPD need—especially during an episode, is patience, validation, support and reassurance.
What Causes a BPD Episode
In my case—a BPD episode usually happens after my fear of abandonment or fear of rejection are either triggered by…
- An outside stimulus: an innocent joke taken the wrong way or being left out of a conversation my BPD brain deems important (even if it’s really not when I think about it later, logically).
- My own distorted thought processes: obsessing over a stressor before it even happens, reliving a traumatic or upsetting memory that causes me to “split” (the infamous BPD splitting).
Episodes (for me at least) are usually started by the former and drawn out by the ladder. They can last anywhere from a couple minutes to several hours.