Trigger Warning: Christianity in a favorable light. Read at your own discretion.
It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog post—a little over a year, actually. Yikes. I wanted to start this by thanking everyone who has reached out about my blog post, Borderline Personality Disorder and the Church.
The stories I’ve read have touched my heart deeply, and I’m honored that anyone would share their life with me. I’ve been incredibly encouraged by everyone’s words, and I’m so grateful that the Lord is using my story to help others.
Now to the juicy stuff! BPD and Christianity.
People with BPD often get stuck in the “all-or-nothing” thinking. BPD makes finding shades of grey nearly impossible. That’s a huge part of why maintaining healthy relationships is so difficult. As soon as someone we love does something even remotely “bad” (i.e., no response to a text, invalidating our emotions, rejections, disagreements, criticism…you get the point), our view of them changes. It happens instantly against our will. Our adult self doesn’t want this to happen—it makes us sick to our stomach with sadness—but some triggered parts grab the steering wheel from us.
* Note: we all have parts; they’re not exclusive to people with BPD. Research IFS (internal family systems) if you want to know more!
Trigger Warning: Christianity in a favorable light, struggles with belief in God, fitting in at church, splitting, BPD symptoms. Read at your own discretion.
You can’t understand me without understanding borderline personality disorder.
I’m still wrestling with feeling like I don’t fit in and that I’m misunderstood. I don’t know anyone who can relate to me on the level I so deeply desire. I know of one other person with BPD, and they’re not even a Christian. I don’t know a single Christian with BPD. Imagine that for a second—countless individuals struggle with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and so on, but rarely are individuals diagnosed with BPD who still pursue the Lord.
I crave a community that I’ll never have–one that truly understands and can relate to me. I have to mourn that. It’s like I have no one with whom I can process the intense feelings and emotions I experience. Yes, I have a counselor, but her role is to help me process my trauma. Obviously, that will help with these emotions/feelings over time, but my counselor can’t make BPD disappear. She can’t make the symptoms I battle daily disappear. She can’t relate to me and understand how much harder it is for someone with BPD to follow the Lord than for someone who doesn’t. I can’t even believe the nice things people say about me. Can you imagine how much harder it is to believe that a God I can’t see loves me and calls me His? It’s nearly impossible.