Picture this. You are in a happy, wholesome relationship. You feel loved by your partner. Everything feels fine until…they leave for a few days. During this period, they don’t actively express their emotions to you.
It doesn’t matter if this excursion is for work or family reasons. You feel what you feel. It is abandonment and loneliness. It is a sharp lack of connection that leaves you doubting the relationship in the first place.
Intense as it sounds, this is what the lack of emotional permanence can feel like. Many people with BPD struggle with these thoughts, which further complicates their ability to maintain relationships.
Why does this happen? What can you do to avoid feeling this way?
How Emotional (Im)Permanence in BPD Feels
Not everyone with borderline personality disorder will feel this way. It is not an official diagnostic criterion either, as per DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders).
That said, it is closely related to many widely known characteristics of BPD, particularly emotional dysregulation and rapid changes in emotional states. The most unsettling aspect is that these ideas trouble many people on an emotional level, although intellectually they realize that nothing is wrong.
Emotional permanence problems can show up as distressing feelings of being forgotten and abandoned. The trigger could be seemingly innocuous, such as a friend forgetting to reply to your text messages or a therapist rescheduling your appointment.
When these feelings manifest, it can be difficult to cut through the fog and remember how things used to be (or truly are). A 2025 study published in Psychiatry and Clinical Neurosciences finds that people with BPD can show negative emotional reactions not only to excluding social scenarios but also to those that include them. Their emotional levels normalize only when they experience extreme inclusion.
But it gets worse. Some of us try to deal with these troubling thoughts by seeking reassurance. Again. And again. We may demand reassurance over seemingly routine separations or react disproportionately to (perceived) minor slights.
For friends and family, dealing with this behavior can get exhausting. Not the least because many will not understand where it stems from. It can also be difficult for partners and even professionals.
From Hunky Dory to Bereft in a Moment: What Causes It?
The causes of this challenge could lie in the ways BPD affects our socio-emotional capabilities.
Some mental health experts believe that BPD causes a gap between a person’s perceived social preferences and expectations about others’ social preferences. This causes a cycle of misunderstanding and disappointment, aggravating loneliness. A Comprehensive Psychiatry paper highlights that this condition can cause people to believe they have strong prosocial attitudes, while others don’t.
In some ways, we are so afraid of being abandoned and left alone that we go overboard in our fear and in our attempts to prevent it.
As a psychotherapist writes on Psychology Today:
“The person with BPD brings about the outcome they so desperately seek to avoid; despite their proclamations of needing and desiring closeness in a relationship, they unconsciously destroy any such chance.” – Mark L. Ruffalo, Psychotherapist, Tampa, Florida.
Getting Help With Emotional Adjustment
At first, we may not recognize our struggles with emotional permanence as a concern. But it may be imperative to seek support if you find yourself struggling with these thoughts in seemingly perfect relationships, repeatedly.
Discuss the Situation With a Therapist
Counselors who manage BPD are familiar with intense behavior patterns and the underlying factors influencing personal, social, and intellectual functioning. For those struggling with emotional permanence, it is best to work with professionals who can balance both aspects of therapy: critical thinking and counseling.
When looking for a therapist, ask whether they have experience with evidence-based therapies, such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Schema Therapy. Some online clinical mental health counseling programs emphasize approaches for crisis intervention, which helps counselors deal with unexpected events.
If you’re pursuing a career in counseling, look for programs that focus on well-rounded coursework. It should cover assessment and psychotherapy for those with complex emotional needs.
St. Bonaventure University notes that professionals in this field must develop listening skills and empathy alongside boundary setting. Whether you take individual or group counseling, these competencies in your therapist are likely to help you deal with the extremes of your emotional spectrum.
Help Yourself Remember
It may seem pointless, but sometimes, seeing physical evidence of a relationship’s strength can help you dismiss negative thoughts. This could be a photograph from a special time you spent together with a partner. It could be a letter they wrote to you, or a gift you received.
A Frontiers in Psychology research paper explains that conscious experience, which often emerges as an emotion or a perception, can be connected to objects. These can be physical or imagined, such as events and ideas.
Let yourself find reassurance from objects that remind you of the constancy in your relationships. No harm in reading old text messages or browsing through pictures in your gallery. Take screenshots, if you must. Or maintain a journal.
Slowly, you may be able to feel confident and reassured without having to ask for assurance.
FAQs
Not officially. It is not listed in the DSM-5. However, it is often used to describe experiences related to emotional dysregulation and fear of abandonment. It addresses the attachment insecurity that many people with BPD go through.
Yes. Many people find that therapies such as DBT, MBT, and Schema Therapy help reduce intense emotional reactions. These approaches can also improve relationship stability.
Strong emotions can make it difficult to access reassuring memories or thoughts. Even though this is temporary, you may feel a disconnect between what you know intellectually and how you feel.
In Pursuit of Emotional Permanence, BPD Notwithstanding
| Fear of abandonment | Fear of real or perceived abandonment is one of the DSM-5 diagnostic criteria for BPD. |
| Social inclusion research | Studies suggest people with BPD can experience heightened distress even during socially inclusive situations. |
| Evidence-based treatment | Therapies such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) can improve emotion regulation and relationships. |
Staying Open to Transience
Emotional permanence can be challenging to achieve in our world of uncertainty. For people who struggle with BPD, it is an even more uphill road. At some point, we need to become open to transience as a way of life. Our most treasured relationships are likely to last, regardless of what convoluted thoughts may have us believe. But even if they are ephemeral, there’s precious little we can do to retain them.
If anything, straining too much is likely to be the undoing of many good things in life, including our bonds with people we care about. We cannot prevent all unfavorable events in our lives, but we can learn to deal with them in more hopeful and constructive ways.
BPD Resources
BPD in Fiction: Sadie’s Favorite by Sarah Rose is a Novel + Original Soundtrack that touches on BPD recovery and abusive “favorite person” (FP) relationships.
Recovery Merch: Help support BPD Beautiful’s mission by visiting our Official Store. Features DBT inspired shirts, pillows, mugs and more.
Peer Support: Get support from someone with lived experience of BPD and remission by booking a call.
Manage your BPD symptoms with a printable workbook.
See our recommended list of books about BPD.
Start a Discussion
Do you have BPD and struggle with emotional permanence? Tell us about it in the comments.
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